Are you looking for a life partner? Part 1

Introduction by Shey Tatah D L Sevidzem

Everyday, we come across many people with broken hearts, disappointed hearts, undecided hearts; even those who claim to be happy, sometimes do so only to cover up some of their misdeeds and the realities of what they experience in relations. But does it mean that there are no happy relations? Far from it, even in Heaven there is no rule without an exception. People go through lots of experiences in their relations, some learn from it, some bow away, some correct them, others run and shy away from them while some live in guilt, pain and agony all the rest of their lives.

Sometimes those of us who have witnessed failure in our relationships feel that we have had the worst experience so far but we might be too much in a hurry to conclude for everyone, every couple, every partner has a story to tell. A(the) majority of us would have reacted differently if such issues were to occur after the nightmare but this can never be the case. We have got to forge ahead.

That said, the million dollar question about love is what millions of people now define as Love. Love has had more than millions of definitions like its problems. No one seems to understand the meaning of love as many experience the opposite of it. The level of divorce, breakups, cheating, misunderstanding, miscommunication and lack of compromise have taken the place of Love and Peace. Does it mean that the meaning of Love has changed from what it used to be? Partners who never had the chance to choose lived together longer, but is that the case today?

Have the media and digital age ruined the meaning of Love? Today some say Love is a just a feeling, and when they refer to it as a feeling or an emotion, this means that there is a tendency that it can die a natural death. But which aspect of Love are they referring to? After the meaning rantings, I shall limit my writing to the Theme; which is about looking for a Life partner. Going by the definition of Love being “a feeling and emotion”, then the article here below, by Heller, can be of help to add a spice as an ingredient not only to looking for a partner but also to maintaining one. This article was shared by Dr Vero Tamo in 2005 but was originally written by Dov Heller, meaning it must have had some challenges and maybe some theories proven not right. Yet there is a lot to learn from it, which is summarized by these words, "look for someone you can share some benefits/interests with, not just feelings and emotions."

Golden rules for finding your life partner 
 By Dov Heller, M.A. 
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,
no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close 
to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in 
their approach to finding Mr./Ms Right! 
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, 
they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the number 1 
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should
never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically 
correct, there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for 
getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other 
ingredients are right,then the love will come. Let me say it again:
You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a
lot more. 
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious 
about finding and keeping a life partner. 
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? 
Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, 
that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do 
with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? 
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a 
common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. 
You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the 
people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, 
you need to know what you want out of life, bottom line-and marry 
someone who wants the same thing. 
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? 
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. 
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. 
The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. 
trust that I won't get" punished" or hurt for expressing my honest 
thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person
as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and 
feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel 
emotionally safe with the person you plan to be with. 
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and 
sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they 
serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a 
good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do
the right thing. 
"So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their
time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person
is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. 
There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who
are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to 
seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable 
will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need 
to know thatbefore walking down the aisle. 

How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that 
makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean 
the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who 
enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves 
and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do 
they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, 
bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do 
they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for 
the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect who can't 
do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others?  
Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure 
that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly 
as well. 
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're 
married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the 
intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a 
colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after 
marriage...for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way 
they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, 
dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try 
leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to 
be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask 
questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a 
great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't 
want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework. 

To be continued
Compiled by Shey Tatah Wo Scandy 

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